Loving yourself and your little one – what can get in the way?
Giving birth and having a baby is a highly emotional and intimate experience. From the beginning of life our child wants nothing more than to love and be loved. As parents we naturally want to respond to these needs – to love, protect and nurture them. The intensity of the mother-child relationship can also trigger unresolved feelings from our own time of being a vulnerable infant. This relationship starts very early on, even in the womb.
The birth experience in particular and how it unfolds can influence the loving connection that is growing between mother and child. The mother’s body prepares itself naturally to support this connection by releasing the hormone oxytocin, which is known as the love hormone. If the birth experience is stressful, eg there are medical complications or the mother doesn’t feel emotionally supported, the mother’s emergency system is activated and, instead of oxytocin, stress hormones are released. The whole experience can leave us with difficult feelings of fear, shame, anger or confusion.
In order to deal with all of this we might find ourself sometimes wanting to withdraw or at the other end of the spectrum wanting to give too much to our child, not knowing what is enough.
Identity Therapy creates a safe environment where we have the space to process unresolved feelings from the birth and possibly also feelings from our own infancy that have emerged. Through this processing we gain a healthier loving connection to ourself and we naturally become more available emotionally and physically to our child. We make a clear space for our child to be and grow.
Children will benefit from both mothers and fathers working through their own unresolved early feelings and attachment issues.
What Happens on a workshop?
These one-day workshops are an opportunity for 3 or 4 people to engage in a self-encounter process (called a
‘constellation’). In each process one person will come up with an intention to explore from an area in his or her life. For example, “I want to feel more relaxed with my child.” This ‘sentence of intention’ will provide the
framework for that person’s process. Other members of the group support the exploration by participating in the
process. Everyone in the group can benefit from the exploration.
These workshops are currently open to anyone who wishes to deepen their awareness and self-understanding. If there is sufficient interest there is also the possibility of running a day solely for members of this NWL Breastfeeding facebook group.
The workshops are facilitated by Limor Regev-Peretz and Daren De Witt, who are London-based practitioners of Identity Therapy. For more information go to https://www.identitytherapy-constellations.co.uk
Loving Yourself and Your little one – what can get in the way?
Identity Therapy Constellations workshops
Next date: 17th Nov, Kensal Rise, London
For more info contact:
Limor: 07769 317 991
Daren: 07968 034 828
Or email: identitytherapy@gmail.com
As the first intimate relationship a child has is with its mother (starting in utero) both mother and child can benefit from the mother working on her unresolved feelings.
ole of the father is also very important, initially in supporting the mother and also clarifying and freeing up his ownbasing his own attachment with the child, If both parents are working on thier issues the child is freer to be him or herself and the environment will be
As our first intimate relationship is with our mother (in utero), it is crucial that we as mothers work to get clearer in our own psyche. The benefit to our children is that we are more emotionally available during the attachment and symbiotic phases of their development. The role of fathers is also important; first in supporting the mother during the attachment/symbiotic phase of the child’s life and then, in encouraging and supporting their child’s healthy autonomy as he or she moves into adolescence. Healthy parenting is optimised when both parents are committed to working on their own Trauma of Identity and Trauma of Love so that they are able to provide a stable and nurturing family environment.
Children act as indicators of their parents’ unresolved trauma, usually compounded over many generations. Unresolved trauma within a family system is sometimes expressed in ‘behavioural difficulties’ or physical symptoms in children. Conditions such as AD(H)D, eating disorders, OCD, insomnia, bed wetting, social anxiety, violence between siblings and a great many physical symptoms can be traced back to our parents’ trauma biographies.
Every child is hostage to the environment they grow up in. If they cannot get a secure emotional connection to their parents, it is not possible for them to remain with their healthy self – they have to dissociate in order to survive. This results in further disconnection which leads to confusion, pain and distress which can manifest in many different ways. Some children become ‘difficult’ through hyperactive, violent or aggressive behaviour, while others may be painfully shy, introverted or become physically ill.
IoPT demonstrates that when we as parents address our own trauma, our children benefit. As we take responsibility for our own feelings and start to become aware of our survival strategies, we can have healthier contact with our children, who then feel more supported to be themselves. The important first step is to take the focus off our children as the ‘problem’ and instead see their difficulties as symptoms of their hunger for emotional connection. When parents concentrate on the health of their own psyche, they can begin to perceive the innocence of their children as well as their own innocent child self.
It then becomes possible to transform the victim-perpetrator conflict dynamic into relationships based on win-win dynamics. If we concentrate on the health of our own psyche, we move away from blaming and shaming and our children are relieved from the burden of being wrong or guilty.
As our first intimate relationship is with our mother (in utero), it is crucial that we as mothers work to get clearer in our own psyche. The benefit to our children is that we are more emotionally available during the attachment and symbiotic phases of their development. The role of fathers is also important; first in supporting the mother during the attachment/symbiotic phase of the child’s life and then, in encouraging and supporting their child’s healthy autonomy as he or she moves into adolescence. Healthy parenting is optimised when both parents are committed to working on their own Trauma of Identity and Trauma of Love so that they are able to provide a stable and nurturing family environment.
We do not work directly with children or teenagers. We believe that children primarily need healthy parents in order to be healthy. However, in working with parents we provide the space in which they can explore relational difficulties arising with their children. As parents increase their awareness and understanding of their own relational dysfunction, this has the potential to change their child’s experience and subsequently behaviour.
and integrating neglected needs.
come into healthier contact with ourselves. We can access and integrate our deep feelings and needs, and recognise the unconscious patterns with us, gradually learning to trust and love ourselves.
flow to our child, which gives them the space theaddress our own unresolved feelings we can then see
When we are clearer within our selves
Our own inner clarity will help unravel the confusing entanglements with our child, then our child has the space to grow authentically into who he or she really is.
mdediately feels freer to be in her self or his self.
PT demonstrates that when we as parents address our own trauma our children w benefit. As we take responsibility for our own feelings and start to become aware of our survival strategies we can have healthier contact with our children who then feel more supported to be themselves. The important first step is to take the focus off our children as the problem and instead see the difficulties as symptoms of their hunger for emotional connection. When parents concentrate on the health of their own psyche they can begin to perceive the innocence of their children as well as their own innocent child self.
Giving birth and having a baby is a highly emotional and intimate experience. From the beginning our child wants nothing more than to love and be loved. As a mother we want to love, protect and nurture our precious child. At the same time this highly intimate and emotional relationship with our child can trigger unresolved feelings from our own time of being a vulnerable infant. This can get in the way of having a clear loving connection.
We might feel love and want to lover want to love and be in pure
This parent child relationship is the most intimate
In the early daysiest stages At the time of birthBoth mother and child feel and want to love As a mother (or father) we love and want to love clear loving connection.
Emotional situations connect us to our own unresolved trauma feelings and memories (feelings from our childhood maybe even from our own birth, that were overwhelming for us for some reason). It can also bring up memories from our relationship with our own mother. This can leave us sometimes confused, wanting to be available emotionally to our precious child and at the same time wanting to withdraw in order to protect ourselves from our difficult feelings.
The birth in itself can potentially be a situation that leaves us overwhelmed, both mother and baby, and can trigger unresolved feelings from our own birth. Modern medical interventions can also contribute to trauma, even if the intention is to save lives. The loss of a sense of control is an aspect of this and a classic element in trauma.
IoPT demonstrates that when we as parents address our own trauma our children benefit. As we take responsibility for our own feelings and start to become aware of our survival strategies we can have healthier contact with our children who then feel more supported to be themselves. The important first step is to take the focus off our children as the problem and instead see the difficulties as symptoms of their hunger for emotional connection. When parents concentrate on the health of their own psyche they can begin to perceive the innocence of their children as well as their own innocent child self.